I'm sitting on the floor in my bedroom with the "smoking porch" (as I call it, aka tiny tiny balcony fit for a smoker to stand out on) door wide open, just listening to the rain. It's 1:49 in the morning and I am so so thankful for the sound of the raindrops hitting the pavement; the sound of them beating on the leaves of the trees just out my window. It has been weeks and weeks since we have had rain. Fires were starting all over the place. But here again, God provides. He knows exactly what our land needs, what we need, and he provides because He is faithful.
Based on previous posts or the About Me section of my blog, you can see that I am a newly married woman (of already 8 months at this point). And so you might think, "what are you doing up at almost 2 in the morning? Why aren't you in bed sleeping next to your husband?" Well unfortunately you will find me, right next to you asking this same question; seriously why am I not in bed sleeping soundly next to my new husband?
As I sit here listening to the beautiful sound of the rain, it is hard to, on one hand, feel so angry, and on the other hand, so appreciative and so IN LOVE with the way that God is providing this rain. I have been doing my best to keep my frustrations at bay, and not publish them on my blog. But at the same time, from the beginning, I told myself that the purpose of this blog would not be for the people who happen to stumble across my page, but for myself. I started this blog as a form of creativity; a way to discover who I am in this new place as a married woman, figuring out what life looks like and what God has for me next. With that said, I have to be honest and say that these past few months have been difficult.
I am, what I like to call, a "work widow." My husband works anywhere from 90-100 hours a week. I know when you hear that you probably want to say, yeah okay miss exaggeration. And I wish I could say, "yeah you caught me". But I can't. I married a man who works for an investment bank. Not the personal investment sort, but investments dealing with companies. Basically what his company does is acts as the middle man between the companies who want to sell and the companies who want to buy another company. In theory, it's a great job. It pays really well, has good benefits, and good perks. But as a newlywed wife who wants to see her husband, it is about time I file a "formal complaint."
Now I wish I was filing a formal complaint with his company. Trust me, there have been so many times where I have played over and over in my head the scenario of me telling off his boss, or pictured and planned out how I would write a book that would expose how ridiculous and how inhumane this position is. There have been so many times, especially in the past month where I have thought- "I can't do this anymore, something has to change with this job or it is seriously going to start affecting our marriage." Let's just say that right now is one of those times.
So as I sit here, with the door open, listening to the comforting sound of the rain and the thunder, and the beautiful flashes of lightning, I wonder to myself- how is God going to provide in my situation? I have so much pent up frustration and disgust with the way that the business world works today... it makes me SO angry sometimes. I have gotten into many discussions about how the business world works, about the crazy demands that people have on each other, and how it must be SO FAR away from what God intends for us that it makes me CRAZY.
All in all, I am not sure what the point of this post is. I don't want to talk a bunch of crap about my husband's job or about the situation I am in. I love him to death, and I am so thankful for what we have in our lives. But in all honesty, I am so so frustrated. I know that God loves me, that God loves us and that he created marriage to be a beautiful thing where husband and wife get to see each other and enjoy spending time together and love on each other... but I also know that this is a fallen world. There are many things that mess up the beautiful picture that God created this place to be.
And so the question I ask is, what should I do from here? Just like God provided the much needed rain tonight, I know that He will provide exactly what my husband and I need. But in the mean time, what am I supposed to do... sit tight, waiting for the clouds to form and the drops of rain to fall? If so, then okay- that's all I need to know. Sometimes all we need is that promise of rain- the forecast in the weather saying, "Yes, IT IS GOING TO RAIN" for us to hang in there and wait, even if it doesn't happen right when they predict.
That's what I feel I need. That simple encouragement that things will get better. That it won't always be like this. That my righteous anger, my "formal complaint" against the business world and the ungodly way that they conduct the industry, is not in vain. God is good. We have a God who provides, who is faithful NO MATTER WHAT- of that I am confident. My prayer right now is that the rain would come quickly. That I would have an understanding, an encouragement that this time of frustration would have a foreseeable end, and that I would have nothing but patience and LOVE to extend to my husband even in the moments where all I feel is sadness.
To those of you fellow "work widows" out there- I am praying for you. You are not alone. God is good and He will make it right.