I have been gone every single weekend since the beginning of June. It has been one engagement after another making this an uncharacteristically crazy season. One night last week, I sat next to my hubby on the couch and nervously asked, "Do you feel like we're disconnected?"I didn't think we were, but I wanted to make sure that he was on the same page.
"No... I actually feel like this season has brought us closer!" He said.
A tentative smile spread across my face as sweet chills ran up my spine. "Really? How so?"
After a brief moment, he responded, "I've intentionally poured more into you. And you've been more dependent on me."
In two short sentences, he described this season in our marriage perfectly. Digging my heels in to writing my book proposal and wrestling anxiety that has been more intense than usual, I have been dependent on my husband like never before.
He’s been my…
- Reprieve when my brain can’t pen words on a page anymore
- Comic relief when I want to poke my eyes out
- Gentle hand on my arm when I need grounding
- Strong affirmer – “You are doing great. You are fighting so hard.” – when it feels like my anxiety is winning
- Constant, whole-hearted, no-limits source of love
There was one night this summer where he was out of town for work and his absence was uncomfortable. Oh my goodness. I thought. Without Chris here to break me free from the mind circles within me, or shift my focus from anxiety to laughter, I feel like a hot mess.
In that moment, I recognized how very dependent on my husband I have become. That’s how we are supposed to be in marriage; clinging to each other in a helpful, support-each-other-so-well sort of way that the presence is noticeably different in their absence.
Reflecting on how much I’ve learned to depend on him in this season was a sweet moment, but it was also a strong reminder of how the Lord wants us to depend on Him.
My husband is a trust-worthy, encouraging, loving man; but his goodness cannot even touch the greatness of our heavenly Father who lovingly, tenderly holds us fast even when we don’t recognize it.
A metaphor that has been resonating with me lately is thinking about the Lord as our anchor. No matter how crazy the surface gets - storms, 10 foot waves, or a peaceful presence that only a gentle breath of wind can disturb - He grounds us. We cannot and will not flip over, even in a tsunami, because He is not just one of those sissy anchors that looks like your stereotypical sailor tattoo. He’s an anchor the size of the size of a cruise ship – one that looks like a bear trap sunk into the depths of the sea, clawing the earth so deeply that no wind can shift its location. Nothing can loosen His grip on us. No storm, big or small, makes Him any less dependable – He is always there.
Leaning into Chris in this busy season has been life giving and incredibly beneficial for both of us and our marriage, but even more important than being dependent on my husband is being wholeheartedly dependent on the Lord.
Allowing ourselves to depend on someone is not always easy. Our common fear is - What if I lean in to someone and they let me down? Unfortunately this is a reality that we must face with fellow humans, but not with our everlasting Father. He will never, ever let us go.
This truth brings comfort to my soul and a steadiness to my anxious heart. My prayer is that it might do the same for you. Together let’s stand on the ledge and trust fall into the steady, capable, dependable arms of our Savior.