Accepting my body

As a little girl, I had what I would consider a “normal” body.  I never broke any bones, never had any major surgeries. I was fit and active in sports.  My most glaring anomalies were the bowlegs I inherited from my mother.  But other than keeping my knees from touching, and experiencing severe growing pains when I sprouted to 5 feet 8 inches my freshman year of high school, even my bow legs seemed normal.

And then 2012 rolled around and things took a turn.  Starting with excruciating pain in my clavicle, my body began to reveal interesting intricacies, one after the other.  As soon as my clavicle issue was managed, my lower back declared its discomfort through muscle spasms. After that, it was locking pinkies radiating from tightness in my forearm and tension on a nerve (read more about that one here).  There wasn’t even a short break with a happy body in between the next mystery as I went from physical therapy on my arms to therapy on my right hip that refused to release tension and brought back spasms along with it.

But the pebble that finally cracked the ice was the rib head that slid out of position, jutting out rudely in the middle of my back.  With every restricted, painful breath my anger grew.  “Really Lord?  I am literally doing everything I can to build a stronger body.  I’m seeing a physical therapist, a chiropractor, and now my latest addition of a trainer and STILL this happens?” 

Every time something like this happens with my body, the process is the same.  I become dumbfounded as I try to figure out what might’ve caused the issue.  I seek help from my chiropractor or physical therapist.  I get angry, feeling betrayed by my body. I manage the pain.  And then I try to make a plan to proceed.  But this time, as the vicious cycle repeated itself I was too angry to make a new plan.  Venting to my husband, I half cried, half yelled, “I just want my body to work!”

Throughout the last 5 years of complications, I have learned important information about my body.  I have what is called hypermobility, which means that my joints are extra mobile.  In theory, you’d think this would be a good thing leading to greater flexibility.  But what it really means is, my extra mobile joints are more prone to instability and require a lot more work to stay in the proper place. 

Can I be really honest? I feel defeated.  I’m sick of having to stretch every single night to avoid tightness.  I hate having to say no to work out classes I used to love.  I’m tired of trying to figure out what I did, or what I need to do to make my body happy.  And it makes me sad thinking that I may struggle with this for the rest of my life.

Nursing my sore rib by doing nothing but laying on the couch, heating my back and dwelling in my frustration, I came to a familiar realization.  I have two choices.  I can hate my body, get fired up at every jolt of pain and allow my hypermobility to restrict me. - OR – I can accept my body for what it is, and use every day as an opportunity to better understand how to live with, operate, and strengthen it.

I was hoping this post would be more of a, “I accepted my body” and “here’s how you can choose joy in your circumstances.” But the reality is, I cannot wrap this story up in a pretty little bow because this is something I am still working through. 

I don’t know what your “hypermobile body” is.  Maybe the circumstances that are giving you grief are 20x worse than what I’m going through.  But the reason I wanted to share this with you is to affirm you (and myself) of two things.  Number one – because of Christ there is hope.  There is always hope.  Number two – we have a choice in how we respond to our circumstances. 

Since my rib popped out a couple weeks ago, my body hasn’t changed miraculously.  But my attitude has.  Am I still frustrated that I have issues? Absolutely.  But I want to adjust and figure out what works for me; and the only way I can do that is to accept my circumstances and choose joy every single day.  (More like every second, every minute, every hour…)

Psalm 33:20-22 says, “We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and shield.  In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.  May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.”

If you’re right in the thick of it and struggling to see through your angry eyes – cling to hope, friend.  Give yourself a hot minute, get real cranky if you need to, and then ask the Lord to help you live joyfully amidst your circumstances.

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If there’s any way that I can encourage you, leave a comment or send me an email via my contact page.  I would love to know how I can be praying for you. 

image by Roost Photography

Struggling with pain

Throughout the past couple months, discussion about my body has made an appearance on the blog. I’ve talked about the joys of seeing results from time spent in the gym and the excitement that comes from the process of transformation. But now I need to come at the body talk from a different direction. I need to be real with you, let off a bit of steam and admit that I am super discouraged.

So, I have a weird body. In the words of my sweet chiropractor, “It’s not weird. It’s special.” I so appreciate the positivity and encouragement reflected in her words because today I just don’t have it. Today I feel frustrated. Today I feel like a 29 year old trapped in an 80 year olds body wondering why I have struggled with such random body issues when I’m still so young!

A couple years ago the weirdness started when I had an issue with my clavicle. One night I came home from seeing the movie Argo, lifted my arms up above my head to change my shirt and was greeted by excruciating pain pulsing through my body focusing itself at the clavicle joint on my chest. For weeks I couldn’t raise my elbow above my shoulder unless I wanted to cower in pain. Many trips to the chiropractor, months spent in physical therapy, lots of stretching and a roll of kinesio tape was what it took to get myself to a place where I was no longer in constant pain.

Then several years later, bending over to stoke the fire was apparently the other “crazy activity” that caused chaos on my body. Suddenly the muscles in my lower back contracted; grabbing on so tightly they refused to let me move forcing me to awkwardly roll onto the floor and wait until the muscles released just enough to allow me to get up and run for my ice pack and essential oils. Again, I found myself back at the physical therapist for a couple more months learning the stretches and exercises needed to keep my back happy.

And here I am, facing yet again another random body issue – this time with my pinky fingers. For the past couple months I’ve woken up and realized my pinkies were contracted. Going to straighten my fingers from the sleepy fist position, it now takes a clunky pry to extend my finger. What the heck?! Just like my other weird issues there's no injury to explain my struggle. No justification to make, no blame to place, other than the fact that my body is “special.” Discouraged and confused, I’ve taken myself back to the chiropractor and maybe soon to be back at the physical therapist to find a way to return to and maintain a happy, tension free body.

I have to be real with you – I’m frustrated. I’m sad. I want to be fixed. I don't want to have a "special" body that seems to need so much maintenance.  Last night, tears slid down my cheek as my husband wrapped towels around my elbows securing them with tape to keep my arms straight overnight in order to give my ulna nerve (which is apparently causing this finger grief) a break. I felt like a freak, I felt like this pain wasn’t going to end, I felt like something was seriously wrong with me, and I felt so so alone.

The reason I share this with you is not just to complain, be sad about my body issues, and search for a little commiseration – it’s to put the encouragement that I need to be reminded of to words. To vent out the icky, sad feelings I have, replace them with truth that I need to hear and hopefully encourage you along the way.

So here’s a bit of truth.

• Bodies are amazing. The intricate way that God designed our skeleton to give our body shape, our muscles to hold up our weight and keep our bones where they need to be, the way the nerves and tendons stretch and contract as our brains ask our feet to take a step forward, is pretty awesome. I mean really, the fact that they our bodies are capable of so much is mind-blowing.
• I am a human, and my body is not perfect. Finding out that both my clavicle and lower back issues, (and most likely these pinky finger shenanigans) were mainly caused by improper posture, overuse, and under strengthened muscles, I’ve realized that bodies are delicate and precious. And that it takes work on our part to keep them happy. 
• I am not alone. Wallowing in my self-pity and letting the frustration of my locking fingers send me into a mood of depression, I was jolted into thankfulness as I thought about the many, many people who suffer with chronic pain. And can I just say, if that’s you, you are a rockstar – I admire you, I respect you, and I am so so sorry for the pain that you suffer day in and day out. Dealing with this pain is just a blip on the scale in comparison to the ailments, diseases, and pains that others are dealing with.  I need to get over myself, because what I've got is not all that bad.  

The moral of the story is, I need to change my attitude. Yes, my fingers are still having issues. Making a fist and waiting for the lock on my pinky to release is no fun – and it definitely makes writing and typing a bit of an issue. But I need to be patient, choose joy, be thankful for what the Lord has given me and trust that He is going to provide.

Jesus Calling, my daily devotional, spoke some much needed truth into my heart this morning as it said, “When things go ‘wrong’, you tend to react as if you’re being punished. Instead of this negative response, try to view difficulties as blessings in disguise. Make me your Refuge by pouring your heart to Me, trusting in Me at all times.” That is what I need to do. To pour my heart out to Him, with joy and thankfulness, but also with the sadness, frustration and fears that I’ll be stuck like this, and trust Him.

The reality is pain sucks, disease sucks, cancer sucks. But the reality that is even greater is that there is hope in the Lord. Placing our trust in Him we give him the opportunity to meet us in our struggles and give us joy like no other, no matter what we’re going through. And what’s even more exciting is His promise that with Him, there will be a day when there is no more pain and no more tears; there will be a new heaven and a new earth and we will have new heavenly bodies!!

I cannot wait for this day to come!!!! But as I do, I’m going to work on changing my focus and trusting that He is faithful – that He’ll meet me in my sadness, in my pain and love me like no other. If you think of me, please pray for me – I’ll take as much support as I can get.

And if you’re struggling with pain, know that you are not alone. I am here for you, and here to remind you that we have a God who’s a comforter, counselor, the ultimate healer and He is with you – so cry out to Him. Take heart dear ones – and be thankful.

xo

Image by Roost Photography

P.S. If you are looking for a good chiropractor please check out Dr. Jamie Mabeus at Full Motion Family Chiropractic !! She is amazing - and even offers animal chiropractic!! AND For an awesome physical therapist head to Health in Balance and ask for Maria.  She too is so great.